


one day i might not want to hide anymore

by yourlocalauthorr



Category: Boy Meets World
Genre: (it's not really mentioned at all but he stims), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Shawn Hunter, Bisexual Shawn Hunter, Coming Out, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Shawn Hunter Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26309485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlocalauthorr/pseuds/yourlocalauthorr
Summary: shawn decides to open up to turner about something he hasn't talked about since he was eight.
Relationships: Cory Matthews & Shawn Hunter, Shawn Hunter & Jonathan Turner
Comments: 4
Kudos: 62





	one day i might not want to hide anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the poem Rainbow Door ( https://mossapoetry.wordpress.com/2016/10/01/rainbow-door/ )
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Referenced child abuse  
> -Internalized homophobia  
> -Referenced homophobia  
> -F-slur  
> -Q-slur
> 
> (Before anyone comes at me for those last two, I am mlm)

Shawn picked awkwardly at his dinner, trying to find the right time to talk to Jon, who had clearly noticed that something was off. “Shawn, are you okay?” he asked, tapping the boy on the shoulder. Shawn jumped up, and looked up at Jon for the first time during the meal.

“What would- what would you say if I told you I liked guys?” He’d whispered it so quickly that Jon wasn’t sure if he’d heard him correctly, but based on the way Shawn was staring at him, looking for any sort of reaction, he had. Through his confusion he tried to convey some sort of positive emotion, but when Shawn jumped up and bolted to the door he knew he had failed.

“Shawn, hold on-”

“Sorry, I’m, uh… I’m really sorry, I’ll get out now,” Shawn mumbled as he closed the door behind him with shaking hands. Jonathan was tempted to chase after him, and tell him it was alright, but he knew that would just spook him even more. They had class together tomorrow, a night away from each other was probably for the best, and would give them both time to prepare for the necessary conversation.

\--

“Shawn?” Cory asked, as his best friend crawled through his bedroom window, soaking wet.

“You haven’t heard from Mr. Turner, have you?” Shawn asked quickly as he shook the water from his hair. Cory shook his head. “Good, good,” he muttered to himself. “Can I stay at your place tonight?”

“Yeah, of course, but, uh, what happened with Turner?”

“He doesn’t want me around anymore. Don’t worry though, I’ll be out of here in the next few days.” Shawn stuck his hands into the sleeves of his shirt and played with the loose stitches, as he rocked back forth on his feet, while Cory took in what he said.

“Look, Shawn, you know you’re welcome here whenever, but I’m sure Turner doesn’t want you gone. I mean, if he hasn’t kicked you out already there’s not much that could make him change his mind.” Cory said with a little laugh, but Shawn didn’t seem all that interested in finding humor in the situation.

“Cor, look, you don’t know what happened, okay? Just trust me on this, he doesn’t want me living with him anymore.” 

Cory watched as his best friend curled up on the desk chair and tapped his fingers along his arm. He’d seen Shawn go through a lot, from his dad losing his job, to both parents leaving him in the same week. Shawn never seemed phased when bad things happened to him, but Cory had seen his friend in similar situations to this too many times to think that this one would go differently than the others. Shawn would bottle everything up until he inevitably exploded and did something reckless, probably hurting himself or people he cared about in the process. Cory knew it wasn’t likely that Mr. Turner had actually abandoned Shawn, especially without an explanation, but he couldn’t blame his friend for thinking he had, too many people had left him before, of course he wouldn’t hesitate to think someone else would abandon as soon as the opportunity arose.

Shawn was thinking. He didn’t like thinking. Thinking led to conclusion, and as much as he wanted to pretend that he didn’t, he already knew the conclusion to this story. Jonathan was going to tell the Matthews he was a faggot, and they’d tell Cory, and he’d tell Topanga, and soon everyone would know and he would be found dead in some ditch somewhere. If he didn’t think it was easier to pretend he didn’t already know how this was going to go. 

He wanted to run. To take a train across the country where no one knew him. He could start a new life, and settle down with a nice girl and pretend that everything was normal. He knew that wasn’t possible, he didn’t have enough money for a burger, let alone enough to buy an apartment, but it was nice to pretend.

“I’m going out,” he announced suddenly. “I’ll be back soon, don’t worry.” he added to appease Cory. “”I just need to get outside.”

\--

It was still raining out, and as much as he hated the feeling of wet cloths, the rain felt nice against his skin. 

He wasn’t quite sure when he’d ended up at the park, but he wasn’t surprised, that’s where he usually went to think. Cory knew that he liked to go there sometimes, but Shawn was pretty sure he didn’t know how much time his friend had really spent on the old equipment. When his dad would kick him out, and he didn’t feel like bothering the Matthews anymore, he’d sometimes come and sleep underneath the old play structure. It wasn’t comfortable, but it protected him from rain and snow, and this was a good neighbourhood, he knew nothing would happen to him here, unlike if he were to stay near the trailer park.

He watched the cars drive by him, and go to park in their nice normal driveways, and head into their nice normal houses, to greet their nice normal families. Shawn always knew that the way he lived wasn’t how most kids did, he watched Cory, and Minkus, and Topanga go home to their big houses where they’re parents didn’t drink till they passed out every night, but he didn’t think the way he lived was wrong till he was seven, and kids started calling him as ‘trailer park trash’. It was a bit like how he'd thought about liking guys. Sure, he knew it wasn’t normal, everyone he knew dated the opposite gender, but he didn’t think that made it wrong to like boys. He was eight when he came home and proudly told his parents that he was going to marry the cute boy who sat across from him in class, and they made sure he learned very quickly that it was wrong. That was the first night that Chet ever hit him, told him that he needed to learn to be a real man, and slapped him till he was sure Shawn got the message that he wasn’t about to have a fag for a son.

That should’ve taught him to keep his mouth shut about being a queer, but /no/, he had to go fuck up his relationship with one of the only adults who actually cared about him.

He was brought out of his thoughts by someone sitting down on the swing next to him. “Hey, sorry, I know you wanted to be alone but you were gone a while and I got worried you did something stupid.”

Shawn laughed a bit. “Nothing yet, but I thought about it.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t.” The two sat there in silence for a few minutes before Cory suggested that they head back to his house. Shawn agreed and the two headed back to the Matthews’, where Cory had already taken the liberty of setting up Shawn’s cot.

“Hey,” Shawn said once they had both settled into their beds. “Thanks for letting me stay here.”

“Yeah, of course, it’s what friends do.”

\--

Shawn spent the next day trying to avoid Mr. Turner, who seemed intent on seeking Shawn out, making it significantly harder to not have to talk to him. Despite that, Shawn managed to avoid speaking to him until last period, when they had English. He knew, of course, that it would be impossible to avoid Mr. Turner in his own classroom, but he’d at least hoped he could get in and out fast enough that he wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. He should’ve known that Mr. Turner would be waiting for him as he walked in.

“Hunter, hey.” Shawn jumped a bit and looked up at his teacher with fear in his eyes. “Listen, I’m not upset, but I think we need to talk after class, okay?”

Shawn sighed. “I don’t really get a say, do I?”

“No, you don’t.”

Shawn slumped down in his seat as Mr. Turner began to discuss last night's reading assignment.

For a class that never seemed to go by fast enough on a regular day, Shawn thought that it went by awfully quickly that day. All he wanted to do was go back to the Matthews’ house and start looking for a place to stay, not get yelled at about how he was going against God's will.

“Cory,” Shawn grabbed his friend’s arm as he went to leave. “I’m gonna be a few minutes late, I’ll meet you out front.” Cory nodded and followed the rest of the group out.

Once the last student left Mr. Turner got up and shut the door, before sitting down in front of Shawn, who was more interested in picking at the skin around his nails than in looking up at his teacher.

“Look, I get if you don’t a fag living with you, but can I come back and pack up my stuff at least?”

Jon looked down at Shawn, pity evident on his face. “Listen, Shawn, I don’t want to ever hear you call yourself that again. Okay?” Shawn nodded stiffly, still looking towards the floor. “I love you so much, and nothing you do or say could ever change that, especially not you being gay. I’m sorry about how I reacted last night, I was just surprised considering how interested in girls you seemed.”

“Well… I’m not really gay, I like girls too. Am I allowed to do that?” he asked quietly.

“You’re allowed to like whoever you want to.” Everything seemed fine, but by now Shawn knew better than to think everything was good.

“You, uh, you didn’t tell anyone, did you?” 

“No, of course not. If you ever decide you want help telling someone, then I’m more than willing to help, but I’d never tell anyone without you permission, this is your thing.”’Jon said, and for the first time during their conversation Shawn looked up.

“Thank you,” Shawn said with a smile, and leaned in to hug Jonathon. “I love you.”


End file.
